I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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