i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
