I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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