I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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