Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
