sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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