Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
