I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
