Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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