I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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