32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
