its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
