Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
