my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The air was thick with penises
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
