I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So apparently I’m into choking now
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