i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
