It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
