I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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