Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
