I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
