You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
