I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
