i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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