is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
