I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
