thus making me awesome and them whores
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Randomize
