I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
