Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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