Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
