I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
