Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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