Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
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Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
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you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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