Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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