Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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