i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
