my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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