Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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