We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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