Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
