I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just cropdusted the office
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
