Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
