my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I wear drunk well.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
