She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
