9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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