I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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