I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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