So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
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Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
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4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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