I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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