like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
