I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
