My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize