11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
