After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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