my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
