I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
