I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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