the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
