Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
