i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
