Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
