i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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