i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
