so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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